Wednesday, January 18, 2012

SOPA/PIPA—what I can say for now

I haven't really grasped the entirety of SOPA/PIPA, but from my understanding, if these two bills are passed, the world would be a dark place—well, darker than it already is. Putting a stop to piracy and protecting intellectual property rights is one thing; imposing censorship on the Internet is another. If these two bills are passed, access to things we have already assimilated into our lives, things we have been devouring all these years like food—social networking sites, information (valuable or otherwise), entertainment, whatnots—will be restricted. I am certain that innovation of certain forms will plummet. It's a nightmare. It's unthinkable! Now—a cloud of paranoia hovers over me and I am certain it will follow me for days, maybe even weeks.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Coffee to go

IMG-20120105-01424_1

 

I am immune to coffee; I think that’s a fact. I drink a lot of coffee. I used to drink ridiculous amounts of coffee. I don’t know when it started, but I remember that in college I used to drink at least seven cups a day. No kidding. I usually drink about three cups in the morning, then two in the afternoon, and two or three cups in the evening. I don’t think that’s to be blamed for my insomnia then, though; I just watched too much TV then, and I texted like a maniac with my friends.

 

This morning, my sister treated mum and me to coffee at McDonalds. That’s after breakfast, when I already had two cups of coffee. After I finished my coffee, I drank the rest of my mum’s that she couldn’t finish. But I still felt sleepy, even yawning as I sipped the coffee as I strolled at the mall.

 

Coffee has never had any effect on me, now that I think about it. It’s even gotten to the point when I just couldn’t sleep without having coffee. This coffee addiction is perhaps best explained by the fact that everyone in our family, with the exception of my brother who’s not allowed to have his caffeine fix yet because he’s still 15 years old, drinks too much coffee.

 

I’m not particular with the kind of coffee I drink—instant, brewed, cafĂ©-bought—although I do prefer freshly brewed. And I don’t think I can pass for a coffee connoisseur; my tongue’s been burnt too many times to be able to tell whether the beans are Arabica or Robusta, or whatever else it may be. And I can’t even answer questions about the history of coffee, and similar stuff, if my life depended on it. I just love coffee, and I don’t think I can function well as a human being without coffee. My mood would be greatly affected, too, I’m certain. Caffeine deprivation would most likely drive me up the wall, and everyone else around me.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Fogging, reading, layout

I’ve been thinking of changing the layout for this blog. And by ‘thinking’, I mean probably an all-nighter event of editing HTML codes, finding pictures for a banner, deciding on the appropriate font face and size, and all that blahs. But eventually ditching the whole new layout design as my eyes are about to fall off its sockets, and realizing that perhaps it’s not such a good idea—that’s happened many, many times before. But if I get extremely bored, at night—which is still a possibility even with a really good Internet connection, cable TV, a good selection of electronic books, copies of my favourite TV shows—I just might get myself into trouble. Trouble being the changing of the layout. Or the attempt, that is.

 

There was a fogging service in the neighbourhood today. It turned out that our neighbourhood has a high number of dengue cases reported, so the local government has issued a compulsory fogging service for every house—for free! I think it was really helpful, especially since it’s been raining quite a lot lately and the mosquitoes are already having some sort of party, buzzing on my ears and all.

 

I started reading ‘Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl’, but stopped because there’s just too much distraction at home. And I remembered I still haven’t finished ‘The House of the Seven Gables’; I think I might need to finish it first so I could put an end to my being a January reader. Perhaps I should read at the coffee shop, so I don’t get distracted a lot. I don’t’ find reading at night such a good idea because I always end up on the computer after just a few pages, or I end up drooling on the book.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Uneventful, uneventful

I wanted to sleep early before I fetched my sister from work. Earlier, Betia and I were lounging in the living room, where we had rolled out the comforter, and watched some show about predictions for this year. We had done channel surfing, but most of the shows had that—what I gathered, in a way, to be an obligatory segment—prediction segment thing going on. We then settled on a local channel after finding the anchors and the guest psychic utterly funny.

 

The psychic was vague, saying that this year is good for seeking romance. That was funny. Betia was mocking the psychic for being so positive about her predictions, and I was silently asking myself why I even bothered watching in the first place. I never really truly believed in psychic predictions; I find way too—I find it bullshit. But I don’t have anything against other people who believe in that sort of thing.

 

So if what the psychic said was true, that this year is good for seeking romance, then that doesn’t really interest me at all because, as I have said in my previous posts, I have already shut the idea of romance out of my life.

 

At around 10:30 p.m. my floor-mate Betia (in the literal sense) had already fallen asleep. I was to pick up my sister from work at 12 midnight, and I badly needed at least a good 10 minutes of sleep so I don’t go driving like a zombie in the middle of the night, in the middle of the road, and risk running over some poor animal. So I tuned into Cartoon Network because it was showing ‘Tom and Jerry’. And I don’t know what it is with that show that makes me sleepy. And I felt sleepy, but as soon as I turned off the TV, I wasn’t sleepy anymore. I tried watching the show again but it was no use. And so, the result? This.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Surfacing

2012

 

2011 has been a year of coming undone, literally and figuratively. One can only hope that any coming undone for this year doesn't involve figuratively putting myself up in flames publicly. I did some terrible things last year, and I'm not proud of it. But to deny it would mean denying who I am, and I cannot, for the life of me, deny the only true thing I know.

 

To say I have been a bad boy would be an understatement. I schemed to have things my way. I always put my needs before everyone else’s, which isn’t always a bad thing; but the extremities I went through to satiate my personal needs first cannot be put into words. I took revenge on people who’ve done me wrong. Yes, revenge, I still believe is a beautiful thing, so long as it doesn’t leave you wanting for more. But with each retaliation, I wanted more. I couldn’t let any offence pass unpunished. I lied to other people, but mostly to myself, saying everything was rosy, when everything was just falling apart. But I did it to keep those who care about me in the dark about what a monster I’ve become.

 

I’d look at myself in the mirror (and trust me when I say it’s not just something they write in books or for the movies) and I simply couldn’t recognize the person staring back at me. I have lost myself in hoping to find myself. I lost my place among my friends, the people outside my family who have been a sturdy platform I stood on all these years. I simply couldn’t understand everything. And I took on the risk of unlearning everything I’ve ever known about my life and myself. I lost myself and thought, blindly, that I could fool the world and eventually make myself believe that everything was fine.

 

Last year, I went through lengths to break myself with my own undoing. I pushed people away—my friends, especially. And it’s sad to realize, yet again, that some people treat friends like jumper cables. That these same people don’t exert the same effort as you do, to find time to catch up, mend gaps, or strengthen bonds. But I am so done trying to fit myself into a box just to please and keep people. I learned that there’s just no point in holding on to someone who’s done nothing but push you away. People will change, yes; but it doesn’t have to get to the point when that change will have you as its price. Or does it?

 

I met someone who made me realize that the person I’d like to be with exists. In such a short time I spent with that person, he taught me that love is not something you work for to get—it just happens. I gave up on love last year. And I was determined as hell to shun it out of my life that I just couldn’t even, for a minute, allow myself to think it’s ever going to happen to me. And I just couldn’t understand how someone with so much love to give can’t seem to find someone else to give that love to. And you know what else I couldn’t understand—and still can’t understand, really? How other people can preach about such a thing called love with so much audacity just because they have been or are in a relationship?

 

I think, as with the previous years, I was desperately seeking myself last year. Because I’ve always been the type of person who wants to delve deeper into myself rather than be a self-righteous creature who acts and speaks like his hands are free of any dirt. And last year, I confess, my faith has been shaken, and it’s gotten to the point when, just as how The Script puts it, I was praying to some god I didn’t even believe in any more. My visits to church were mostly plagued with questions—why, why, why. But of course, there was no answer. But there are times when you see God’s hands at work, even if it’s not for you. And you just have to try to see that ‘work’ of His and hope that one day it’s going to be for you.

 

I don’t aim to be a better person this year; I aim to know myself better. I will continue to delve deeper into my core, so I’d understand just what it is I’m living for, and what I’m here for. And hopefully, I’ll see even a flicker of light at the other end of the tunnel. And yes, I hope to do this all without the aid of alcohol. Good luck to me! But yes, I’m quite positive I’m going to be sober for the most of this year.

 

Now – to anyone I may have offended in anyway, I apologize. But know that you probably deserved it anyway. And thank you to everyone who’s stayed with me during my monstrous moments.

 

Know that I will not change for anyone. I am the boy who doesn’t give a fig about what other people think of him, I will use expletives—fuck it!—anytime I want. I will roll eyes at anything or anyone that merits disgust or disapproval. I will continue praying for zombies, or some other epidemic that will bring forth the best and worst in men. I will continue sharing my truths, personally and via Facebook, Blogspot, and Twitter—regardless of how I may deliver them. I will continue to seek harmless albeit satiating retaliation. I shall try my very best to avoid alcohol, seafood, and poultry products. I am going to keep dancing and singing in the shower. I will smoke when the need arises. I will blog as if I people can’t and won’t read my posts. I will drink less soda, more tea and water, and more coffee. I am going to listen more and talk less. Blahdi-blahdi-blah.

 

I cannot deny that I am broken, and that it might take some real hard work to fix me. Not that I need fixing of whatever sort. But know that sometimes people aren’t broken by choice. Oh, enough already.

 

Happy New Year, everyone!